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07 April 2015

My Little Arrow

Today would have been your first birthday.

I imagine you taking your first steps today.
I imagine buying you a nice outfit to wear today and making you a special breakfast.
I imagine singing "Happy Birthday" to you and watching you dig into your first cake.
I imagine family and friends gathering together to celebrate because they love you so much.
I imagine your Daddy dancing around the room with you.
I imagine your sweet laugh and big smiles.
I imagine holding you close and wishing that time would stop.
I imagine you.

In August of 2013 we found out that we were expecting our first child. In September of 2013, we lost that baby. It's hard to know how to grieve a miscarriage. How do you properly mourn the loss of an unborn child? I still don't really know the answer to that.

I think of my first pregnancy often and I thank God for the faithfulness of giving us a second healthy pregnancy so quickly afterwards. I was and am still so affected by the loss of that sweet life. I miss that baby. Through tears I remember every exciting hope and dream I had for my baby.

We never found out what gender we were having, I was only 9 weeks along when I miscarried. Unlike some couples, when they feel God speaking to them about whether it was a boy or a girl, we never had that. But a name makes that baby feel like so much more than a lost pregnancy, it was my baby. So we decided to name our first baby Hope.

Hope Wagner. My sweet baby Hope is bouncing around heaven with not a care in sight. She sings to my Savior every day. And she watches her Mommy and Daddy going through life without her. My heart aches for her. But as my husband reminds me often, we may have missed out on her earthly life but her heavenly soul is with Jesus - there is no one better to keep my baby Hope.

"Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one's youth." Psalm 127:4

You don't hoard arrows in your quiver for battle, you release them. Our children are our arrows, we were never meant to hold onto them forever. At some point we release them into God's hands - either literally or figuratively. Hope is the arrow that we had to release. She is in the best place, and I am confident that the day that I join my Savior in heaven - she will be one of the first faces I see. My little arrow. 

I can't tell you how much I hate that a miscarriage is a part of my story. The Lord has taken these tears of pain and turned them into healing through the community of women who have also released their little arrows into heaven. We have grieved together and healed together. Thank you Jesus for taking something so devastating and using it to minister to others. 

April 7th was Hope's due date. So every year we plan to write a note to baby Hope and tie it to a balloon and release into the sky. I won't ever forget her.

Mommy loves you Hope. Hug Jesus for me.

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