By the Grace of God

I listen to a lot of music. Different genres, different styles. Some of it I always love and some I really have to be in the mood for. When I was in middle school I listened to a whole lot of Ginny Owens, Point of Grace, Avalon and on my especially rebellious days; Britney Spears and Backstreet Boys. As I grew older I started to adapt this "change-the-world-I-don't-need-boys" mentality which was anthemed by the likes of Barlow Girl, Carrie Underwood and mostly fueled by Bethany Dillon. When I was in high school I listened to a lot of Switchfoot, Relient K, Anberlin, Sherwood and always Bethany Dillon. Now I find that I listen to everything from Rascal Flatts to big broadway soundtracks like Wicked.
If I still wrote songs and played the guitar I'm sure my music would sound totally different from my young worshipful tunes I wrote in high school. But I'm grateful for those songs. Although I would never sing them in a public setting, even if you paid me. But they were genuine, journal fed, desperate cries to the Lord. I have different burdens now then I did then, I struggle with different things so those songs are slightly less applicable to me now. But every time I see those lyrics I can remember exactly where I was and what I was going through when I wrote them. I wouldn't trade that for the world.
I'm a different kind of writer now. I hate to admit, but I'm a little bittered by the world. When I used to write I wrote from the heart but for the masses. I dreamed that one day I'd be opening up for Bethany Dillon and ministering to girls who wanted to hear the voice of God just like me. I wanted to be an artist. A singer/songwriter. But after my first year as a worship major at Liberty University the Lord started changing my heart. But it took a long time for me to realize that it was indeed the Lord's hand in my life.
I realized that I didn't know a darn thing about music. And frankly, didn't really care to.
I wanted to write lyrics. God ordained, biblical lyrics that would shift eyes to the glory of God. But worship majors don't just write lyrics...they pound out incredible and ridiculous solos, they play piano, they arrange and read charts, they understand music theory.
That realization sucked every ounce of confidence and passion out of me. And that was indeed the wrong response.
I believe that it was the Lord's will to ignite a passion for worship in my heart to lead me to the worship department at Liberty University in 2007 because had he not I would not have met my amazing (and ridiculously talented) husband, some of my very best friends, and I was given so many great opportunities there. But I whole heartedly believe that it was not His will for me to stay there.
I switched my major to religion in hopes that studying the Bible more in depth would lead me to write more biblically sound lyrics. But I never did. So, here I am in 2012 trying to grasp my voice and what I want to do with my life. Who knows if I'll write songs or devotionals but as of a few days ago I am absolutely determined to do something.
The insecurities that have clouded and drowned any voice I ever had...they have to go. I don't know how that'll happen exactly but I just know that it's not godly, in fact it's downright self-centered to be as insecure as I am. So by the grace of God I will write again and by the grace of God I will be able to walk into a room and not care that I'm not the best singer in the world, not care that I can really be a goofy idiot sometimes, not care that I can't play guitar correctly, not care that I don't always have something interesting to say. By the grace of God the only thing that I'll care about is Him.


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